Posted:
Sat Dec 17, 2005 1:12 pmby Kinggodzillak
I wrote this the afternoon I saw the film for the first time...just found it again and reread it, and for no reason I thought I'd post it here...
A Ford review of Thunderbirds: The Ford Movie: brought to you by Ford. For all your Ford needs.
The Thunderbirds Movie has come in for a lot of criticism, and from the trailers, a lot of it seems well deserved. Dodgy acting, a naff story and remarkably poor looking visual effects appeared to be qualities that would bring the film down. However, I tried to keep an open mind (despite Busted's attempts to drive me to suicide) and so I went to see it today.
And it be that bad. And worse. Oh momma.
The opening credits...ok, they were nice enough, ish. Doing them as an animation blatantly pointed out the inherent silliness of the original Thunderbirds concept whilst still treating it with respect, and I would have had no problem with that had the film followed a similar vein.
Unfortunately, we're off to school. Because, you know, very Thunderbirdsy. Alan Tracy really wants to be A Thunderbird. However, this is Ultra Super Duper Top Secret, and only his friend Fermat Hackenbacker (urp!) can know. Fortunately, as the rest of the kids at his school appear to be deaf, he is cunningly able to wander around moaning about his not being a Thunderbird at the top of his voice...
Lou Hirsch walks by. Bye, Lou. That was Space Precinct's Lou Hirsch, ladies and gentlemen, he'll be back in about 2 minutes. He might even have another line, bringing his total up to 2. But enough of that, because the Thunderbirds are gonna be on TV, cries a hyperactive little sprog, and so everyone rushes somewhere to see this.
The Thunderbirds are in Russia (I think...am I right there? I am sure I heard the word Russia), attending to a burning oil rig. This is the first of two rescues we see in this film, both of which are only partially completely stolen from original episodes.
A boy band, lead by Bill Paxton (who is an 'actor', apparently...) are hovering around the oil rig in spaceships. They're tossing 'cool' jargon back and forth, and going "Woo!" and "Yee haw!" and treating the dangerous situation with a great deal of respect.
IWN FORD reporter Lisa Lowe is apparently on the rig. Lisa has the uncanny ability to instantly materialise anywhere in world, wherever the Thunderbirds are. This conveniently saves having to hire any other actors to play reporters.
The rig rescue...well, it looks good. Unfortunately, there is little to no drama as we don't know who any of these people are...whereas Hooper and O'Shea (the latter being depressed and the former being incomprehensible) were much easier to relate to.
The Thunderbirds save the day, and fly the injured to San Francisco. A helpful caption pops up to tell us that San Francisco is in America. Thank you, movie. Perhaps you could also explain why it is necessary to fly the Russians to America for treatment? No? Ok...
Much needed comic relief from all this gripping drama is provided by 'Panhead." See, a boy has got a pan stuck on his head, hence the name. Heh. Oh dear...
Lady P arrives at Alan's school to take him and young Fermat back to Tracy Island. Here, I have to praise something about this mess of a film, and I cannot praise it highly enough. Penelope and Parker are spot on and wonderful. I want to hug them both.
What? She's very cute indeed. Alright, she's absolutely beautiful. Leave me alone!
I prefer her to the original. *ducks*
I don't even have a problem with Parker getting worked up about the football. They're both spot-on and I want a whole film of just then, please. The only problem with them is...why are they there? On tv (and here is the only comparison I'll make with the TV programme, because obviously this is not the same 'Universe' as the original) they were part of a worldwide network of undercover IR agents. Here, they seem to be eccentric British people with several hideous flying cars who like to pop over to Tracy Island for a holiday every few days. Odd.
Anyway, Fermat and Alan cause mayhem in Thunderbird 1, and Alan gets told off, in a deep, meaningful and very emotional scene, in which the faces of both actors display nearly 1 emotion between them. Well, Jeff talks in a loud voice, and Alan stands open-mouthed, which is the base of their performances.
Fermat has discovered Icky Goo on Thunderbird One, and so he goes to tell his father, Brains. Now, the Brains/Fermat father/son scenes were quite touching. Unfortunately, Brains is a 'comedy' character. This means that an aspect of the TV character, the stuttering, has been extracted and used *as* a character. This means Brains is completly incapable of completing a sentence without sounding like some ape.
Alan heads out to the beach to play with a Deus Ex Machina, but GASP! Lurking under the water is The Hood! He is aided by Token Black Man / Mullion, his computer / Jonathan Frakes Cameo #1, and Ugly Geeky Girl / Transom. One of the movie's morals is that clever people are by nature ugly, which I am sure is of comfort to the less beautiful people in the audience.
Anyway, they fire a missile at Thunderbird 5, and Jeff piles all his useful (drummer, vocalist, and bass guitar) sons into Thunderbird 3, off to the rescue of their lead guitarist, after a hearty cry from Jeff of "Thunderbirdsarego." I was in awe of the feeling of power and dignity he put behind those three simple words.
This, however, is just the diversion the Hood needs to storm Tracy Island! Despite Brains' defence of hilariously reading a magazine upside down (Ha ha...help...) and Tin-Tin's parents of standing around and being quiet, the island is taken. The Hood uses his evil mind powers to get Brains to reveal the Thunderbirds control room. In a truly hilarious piece of post-modernism, the film respectfully acknowledges its television origins with a subtle nod to the puppets. Well, Brains does a sidesplitting puppet walk over to the console. "Like a puppet on a string!" cries the Hood, to help the intellectually-challenged amongst the audience.
Transom recognises Professor Hackenbacker, and so we are treated to several cringeworthy scenes of her trying to get him to notice her whilst he performs various residents of the monkey house at London Zoo. I think Anthony Edwards must have been told "David Graham played Brains, and some of his first Supermarionation voicework was as a monkey" and somewhere along the line he got completely confused.
This little subplot could have been quite good, say if Transom was being forced to work for the Hood against her will, and maybe Brains could have rescued her or something. OK, that still would have been corny, probably, but I don't think it would have been as embarassing and insulting as these scenes.
The kids, having successfully delivered Kids Action Movie Cliche Line #11 ("On the other hand... RUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!!!!!!") have made their way into Generic Movie Plot Overhearing Ventilation Duct, where they hear the Hood call Thunderbird 5 and tell Jeff that he's trapped them up there. Fermat performs Generic Action Movie Cliche #35, the untimely sneeze, which alerts the Hood to the children loose on the island. Mullion punches into the duct and grabs Fermat's leg, and Tin Tin bites his hand. Mullion is an interesting character, not because of his history or 'personality', but because any injuries he sustains are miraculously healed by the next scene...
Thanks to the Deus Ex Machina that Alan was playing with on the beach, the kids escape to the Thunderbird 2 hangar, pursued by Mullion and some other guys who only appear in one scene after this, and everyone decides it's time for another Useless Scene. Out come the pod vehicles, helpfully made of Duplo so the younger members of the audience can easily recreate them at home. The brightly-coloured and over-simplistic pod vehicles don't really fit in with the rest of the International Rescue technology, which looks mostly hideous but seems vaguely realistic. Anyway, Alan brings out the Thunderizer ("Time to Thunderize!"), and cuts away a door whilst Tin Tin and Fermat provide covering foam from the Firefly, which Fermat can't drive but does. Don't ask, lets just keep moving.
Also visible in the pod vehicle bay is the Red Ford Thunderbird car, used to drive to places no other car can reach. Presumably. I suspect Ford put some money into this film, y'know...
Anyway, Mullion and his gang are covered in foam, and the kids escape, only to find the Hood waiting for them! Gasp! He unleashes his evil mind magic on Alan, who somehow is able to resist, but only because it's convenient to the plot. I do not believe that 'because there was a door between them' is a reasonable excuse. The Hood also plants seeds of doubt in Alan's mind about Jeff's connection to Mrs Tracy's death, and these will be addressed later, in a Heartwarming Moral Scene. (TM. Brought to you by FORD.)
The kids escape into what appears to be a slide tunnel (again, a Kid Movie Cliche, and you can bet they scream all the way down) used to vent Thunderbird 1's jets, and the Hood orders Transom to fire Thunderbird 1's engines. Quite where Thunderbird 1 is in relation to everything else is never really explained, aside from we know it is under the pool. In fact, the geography of the island is pretty much a nightmare. Does anyone even know where Thunderbird 2 launches from?
Anyway, the kids are blasted out half a mile or so into the sea, with no hope of survival. Except that they do. At this point, I resigned myself to the fact that this is not Thunderbirds. Not the original, not even 'reintroducing it for a new generation for whom the original format wouldn't work, so stop moaning, you sad geek, and just pretend you like it'. The basic concept of Thunderbirds was of rescuing people, but this film has decided not to follow that, so its status as Thunderbirds is severely comprised. Here, we get two uninvolving and undramatic rescues completely stolen from the tv series because no-one could be bothered to dream up anything original, presented either side of Spy Kids Home Alone: The Next Generation, A FORD Film.
Mullion agrees with me. He thinks they're dead. "Pop, pop, pop." he helpfully explains. That's quite graphic for a kids film, and I'm sure some in the audience might have been unsettled by that. Though not me, I can tell you...I'd like to add several dozen more pops to that list...
The kids begin their long trek back home, and here is the first of two original ideas that I quite liked. We never saw much of the island on the original. Here, you do, and that's nice.
We're told by Fermat that Tin Tin is 'blossoming'. Thus the Alan / Tin Tin relationship, which was vaguely hinted at the start of the film, suddenly makes a surprise return, crashing into the plot and leaving an air of ickiness around all these 'blossoming' related scenes.
Alan is attacked by a CGI scorpion, which is deadly, apparently. Tin Tin suddenly gains the same powers as the Hood, and her eyes go yellow and she gets rid of it. This is the second original idea I mentioned, but unfortunately the script widdles it down its leg and nothing more is mentioned of it. Also, why does she only just get them now?
Meanwhile, lots of nothing is going on. On Thunderbird 5, everyone is dying. I liked these scenes, because of the lack of dialogue, which meant there was no chance of a lame gag or some tedious moralising.
Lady P is (in the bath! Ooh!) watching the Ford News, where the omnipotent Lisa Lowe is explaining that there are all sorts of terrible things going on across the world that only the Thunderbirds can stop. Penny and Parker head for the island, whilst the kids head for the island's 'satellite station', another Deus Ex Machina that can return control of Thunderbird 5 to Thunderbird 5, using technobabble and magic. They fail. Ho hum.
Back in the jungle, they find themselves pursued! By FORD! Oh, and Mullion and co. Tin Tin launches bees at Mullion, who is stung a lot, and the kids escape to what appears to be the Thunderbirds rubbish dump. Here, they find a jetmobile which is the closest likeness to its original design of all these vehicles. Tin Tin and Fermat think they should leave saving the day to Lady P (and I agree). Alan insults Fermat, and Fermat delivers the film's latest Moral. "Just because I st-st-st-stutter doesn't make what I say any less important. If we're a team, then we have to work as a team."
So, if I start screaming "ST-ST-ST-ST STOP TALKING! GO AWAY! BAD MOVIE, END! SH-SH-SH-SH CRAP FILM GO AWAY!" does that mean that my opinion isn't any less important and you actually will end? No? Poopie...
So, in a sequence that was not ripped off wholesale from the Return of the Jedi speeder bike chase, but was merely a loving tribute (by FORD), their hoverbike with attached trailer-thingy is pursued through the jungle by Transom in their FORD car, from FORD. I suggest you all head out to your local FORD dealer immediately, to buy a FORD vehicle, because by seeing this film, you have sold your souls to FORD, who will see that you are imprisoned if you do not purchase one of their fine FORD automobiles within the next 30 days, and you will spend the rest of your life in a dark room watching in horror as horrific images are pumped into your brain.
My mistake. If you've seen this film, then that's already happened.
The trailer thingy that Fermat and Tin Tin were riding on detaches from the bike. Now...what do you expect to happen to a sort of tub-like platform hurtling through the jungle at great speed with no controls? Would you expect it to crash into the ground in a twisted heap, sending its occupants flying into the air or being mortally killed?
Well then, my friend, you must not understand Science. What would happen is that the trailer-thingy would go straight up a tree, and then roll back down, in a very poorly shot and headache-inducing sequence. A badly-bluescreened Alan watches Mullion capture Fermat and Tin Tin, and, like a true Tracy (for this movie) decides the best course of action is to abandon your friends and run away. Another of the movie's fine 'morals' there.
Penny and Parker are in da house! Woo!
Fermat and Tin Tin are dumped in a freezer room, to 'cool off', as Mullion hilariously puts it. He elaborates on this point a little further as he leaves.
"Mwa ha ha ha ha ha haaaa! A HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!"
Well, at least he found it amusing.
The Hood sends in Mullion and Transom to deal with Penny and Parker. Now, what about those other thug guys Mullion was driving around with earlier (in a FORD car, you know)? And what use is Transom supposed to be in a fight? There seems to be some odd 'no violence against women from men' clause in the film. Penelope and Tin Tin are allowed to beat Transom up, but they're not allowed to fight men.
Which is odd considering these incredibly pervy 'Tin Tin blossoming' sequences.
At this point in the film, it appears to have been decided to have this sequence sound-edited by Hanna Barbera, and so we suddenly have various 'comedy' cartoon sound effects. What, couldn't we get any 'wah wah wahhhhh' music? It gets so bad I was half expecting a cry of "I'll save you, Penny!" to herald the arrival of Dudley Do-Right, Captain Caveman and the Anthill Mob to save the day.
With Transom in the pool, and Mullion dealt a pan to the head (ah! The 'panhead' motif again!), the King and Queen of Cool turn their attentions to the Hood, who deals with them effortlessly. He gives them both headaches (and although we can hear Penny moaning, we only see Parker in pain. What is this no violence against women thing?) to get Alan to come out of his hiding place nearby, so he can return the Magic Doohickey that Fermat stole from Thunderbird 2 in a split-second that he was offscreen in the pod vehicle sequence. Alan, demonstrating the intelligence we've come to expect from him, throws it towards the pool, but the Hood uses his evil mind ooji to grab it before it hits the water.
So, Alan, let's recap. You've let your home get captured, you've let your friends get captured, you've let the one thing that can stop the Hood be captured by the Hood.
Er, yay for you. I suppose.
Alan, again, retreats, to cry like a baby, I assume. Penny and Parker are thrown into the freezer, which now holds 7 members of the Thunderbirds. However, Penny is not happy with this, and instantly plots her escape. You go, girl! Finally, a character with a bit of backbone who is actually capable of achieving something! And you have n-n-n-ni...hmm...
Parker requires something to pick the lock with, and the obliging Penny removes the...um...from her...oh my...yes, indeedy.
Now free, the Magnificent Seven head for the control room just as Thunderbird 2 (now with the Magic Thing To Make It Work back in place) and the Hood, Transom and Mullion leave for the Bank of London. The plan is to rob it and get the Thunderbirds blamed. Because the Hood is a villain in a kid's film, he can't do anything villainous. That's why the Tracy Island lot were thrown into a freezer to be cold rather than shot or blown up.
Did I imagine some other guys on the Hood's team? Where did they go? I can only assume that they're dead, presumably having fallen through a plot hole to their doom...
Contact is reestablished with Thunderbird 5, and the satellite's orbit is corrected seconds before it is due to burn up in the atmosphere. Holy botheration on a stick.
Alan wants to take Thunderbird 1 out to London, as it would get there before Thunderbird 3. Jeff, whose catchphrase "That's a negative" is sure to become very popular with kids, reluctantly lets him go, accompanied by Fermat, Tin Tin, and Penny. As Thunderbird 1 launches, a shot of a hand on a control reveals it to be a puppet hand (!?!!??!?!), which I am guessing is another loving nod to the original series, despite the fact that the hand inserts were an incredibly minor part of the programme, and that we've not seen anything like this in any previous closeups of hands...
The guys on Thunderbird 5 head back to Earth as Alan and co head off in Thunderbird 1. Penelope makes a "boys and their toys" comment here, which for me conjured up an image of Jonathan Frakes and a camera...
Thunderbird 2 touches down in London, crushing bicycles and ice cream vans, showing their Evilness. The Mole is unloaded, heading into the Thames towards the Bank of London.
London, 20 years from now, looks the same as it does now, which I find completely unbelievable. I can only imagine the design conferences before the film.
"So, this family have a fleet of high-tech aircraft and space rockets?"
"Yes."
"Sounds good. I assume the rest of the world will have a hi-tech look to it too?"
"....no?"
"But surely, if the technology exists to make these magnificent vehicles, then surely the world might look a little different? You know, hi-tech cars and things?"
"Um..."
"....Are you seriously telling me-"
"Put a monorail in."
"What?"
"A monorail. Right across the Thames."
"Er, but isn't the Thames used for shipping every once in a while?"
"Monorail. Want monorail."
"...Oh, alright. What else?"
"Nothing else."
"But, er, isn't that a bit unlikely?"
"...yes..."
"But can't I just - what's this? The remaining budget...oh...oh dear..."
Anyway, the Mole's course just happens to take it through one of the monorail supports, and a monocar crashes into the Thames just as Thunderbird 1 arrives. The kids head for Thunderbird 2, and Alan takes Thunderbird 4 out to rescue the passengers trapped underwater. I can't remember exactly how he does it, but Tin Tin snaps. Raving hysterically, she rushes to Thunderbird 2's engines and causes a massive explosion that rips the craft apart, and her death wish is fnally granted.
Well, she jumps into the Thames without protection. Same result in the long run.
Tin Tin also does not need to breath. This was apparent earlier during the jungle trek, but was never explained.
She ties a rope cable type thing to the carriage, and it is hoisted out of the water, yay Thunderbirds.
That was a great scene. Very exciting. How much longer...
The Hood and co are in the bank, admiring the money, but the Hood's Hoodey Sense is tingling.
"The Thunderbirds are here. Kill them all."
I like your new plan, Mr Hood. It's not like your last plan at all. I think it'll be a big success.
Penny, enjoying a more active lifestyle with her new hair (and what the heck is the story behind that? It's obviously not real, it's wobbling about all over the place, no one mentions it, and why did she feel the emergency required her to wear it?), sneaks up on the Hood, who locks her in a nearby cage (don't ask, don't stop to ask questions, let's just keep moving and we'll all be out of here sooner) using his mystic powers of oogli boogli.
Thunderbird 3 arrives, and, in a scene on board Thunderbird 2 that doesn't appear to be related to anything else, Alan asks Jeff if what the Hood says is true - did he leave him to die? Yes, says Jeff. You can't save everyone, no matter how hard you try. Another Moral, there. This movie is just full to the brim with morals. Unfortunately, they're all pointless. I can only guess that that was the 'reconciliation' scene. Parker, who could only have left Tracy Island by swimming, arrives on the scene. He, Jeff, Alan and Tin Tin head into the bank whilst the other Tracy brothers...um...do nothing...
Parker and Tin Tin take out Mullion and Transom, and Alan arrives for his epic showdown with the Hood, who, in a technique known as 'ripping off from the Matrix' spins into the air. A platform magically appears under his feet, and it is from here that he telepathically strangles Alan in mid-air, before dragging him over to the platform to stand on his hands.
I think one of the problems of the Hood is that he's too powerful. He could do anything but he doesn't. Also, we suddenly now have this "He's getting weaker" aspect of his abilities, that was dreamed up out of nowhere and only appears when it is convenient for the plot.
Tin Tin arrives, and, using her own vague powers, is able to start the Mole drilling (????) and tips the platform over, so now the Hood is dangling over the Mole and only Alan can save him. The Hood wants Alan to let him die, just like Jeff left him to do.
"I don't want to save you...but that's what the Thunderbirds do."
Er...yay, Alan, I suppose. You're my hero.
The Hood gives up, because it's the end of the film and we don't see a sequel on the horizon. So, Mr Frakes takes the villains to a van, and it's back to the Island.
It's the end of the film! Hoorah!
At a barbeque round the pool, Jeff has an announcement to make. I also have an announcement to make.
Argh.
Anyway, Mr Tracy, I believe you had a few words for the kids.
"The world needs the Thunderbirds. And the Thunderbirds...need you."
And so, we receive our last Moral of the film: that a father's love for his son is utterly dependent on how well said son can outwit evil villains and fly hi-tech aircraft.
The party has to be cut short, however, as 'Madame President' phones, needing the Thunderbirds. All 5 Tracy brothers stand by their portraits, ready for action. Jeff's hearty cry of "...thunderbirdsarego..." again heralds another thrilling rescue mission, and some stock footage, darkened so we can't tell it's been reused from earlier, is go.
Sophia and Ron head home on a pedalo, utterly disgusted by the whole thing. Bye bye, Sophia and Ron. Too bad you were in a bad film, but you tried your best, which is more than everyone else did...
As Busted's 'song' 'Thundybirds are Go!' echoes around the cinema, everyone around me legs it. I sit alone, pondering the train wreck that I watched unfold over 90 minutes.
And hoping in vain that the proper, original version of the theme tune might turn up.
I don't know why, but this the only film ever that has really annoyed me. It could have been brilliant, a tribute to the original whilst taking the concept in a new direction and making a new franchise out of it.
Thunderbirds: The Movie takes the Thunderbirds concept in two new directions. Backwards, and down. It's embarassing to watch actors deliver such stilted lines, and the audible thud at every comedy moment is utterly inexcusable.
If you are doing a Thunderbirds film, big dramatic rescues have to be at the centre of the film. Otherwise, you're not making Thunderbirds. So, where were they?
I appreciate that aspects of the original would need to be changed, but I was amazed how much unnecessary baggage was brought over. Virgil, Gordon, Kyrano, and Onaha weren't needed. Penny and Parker too weren't necessary, but thank God they were in it. The Firefly and Thunderizer weren't needed. Thunderbirds 1 and 5 weren't needed. But still, all these elements were retained, making it unnecessarily complex. In fact, the only thing from the tv series missing from the film in some form was Grandma. Now, there was so much potential for another hilarious comedy character in Grandma, what with her being elderly. She could have been fat and wheelchair-bound too, providing more hilarity.
Dear God...the humour. Be it stereotypes, odd one-liners, or silly cartoon fight noises, it was all wrong. Only Penny and Parker got anything even vaguely amusing to say, and even that wasn't amazing. None would have been better than the unfunny and times insulting humour that was misfired in the general direction of the audience.
It is generally accepted that films require actors. Thunderbirds bucks this trend completely, and instead hires human shaped bricks of meat. The casting of Bill Paxton alone should have seen the film's funds withdrawn and all evidence of the project blown up, but Brady Corbett, who stands around with his mouth open, is just as bad. I'm prepared to give the rest of the Tracy boys, and Kyrano and Onaha, the benefit of the doubt, as they barely did anything.
Anthony Edwards and Rose Keegan...hmm. A good script, and being given characters to play as opposed to stereotypes, might have helped. They could have been good, but they weren't.
The kids...the girl playing Tin Tin was OK...Fermat...ooh dear...
Mr Kingsley...another one who could have been good with a good script, but unfortunately he megahams it and you'd never believe he'd won an Oscar.
The music was good. I liked the music. And I liked Penny and Parker. Did I mention that? I want to keep rementioning that. They deserve their own film.
As for Thunderbirds: Le Movie, it is sinking fast, it be going down and it be deserving it. It's not Thunderbirds of any sort, and it is not a good film.
So, a pat on the back for Miss Myles and Mr Cook, a rotting fish for...well...everyone else...
