Remember, remember,
The Fifth of November,
Gunpowder treason and plot;
For I see no reason
Why Gunpowder Treason
Should ever be forgot.
Lieutenant Flaxen looked in astonishment at the effigy sitting on Philly’s bed and asked, “You can’t be serious, Philly?”
“Yeah; whyever not?” her friend replied. “Everybody from everywhere else has some sort of national day: the Americans have Fourth of July, the French have Bastille Day and now we all celebrate Halloween. Only us English haven’t got a ‘day’ of our own and I think we should have one.”
“But November the Fifth? Surely it ought to be St George’s Day or … or…”
“Exakerly; we haven’t got a day. Nobody else celebrates the Fifth of November, so I think we should.”
“Well, I don’t see how you can have a bonfire on Cloudbase and the colonel would never agree to fireworks!” Flaxen said. She gave the effigy a wry glance. “Where did you get all those clothes and things from?”
Philly looked at her with a pitying expression. “I’m a valet, Aud.”
“You took them from Captain Blue?”
“No! He’s American.”
“Not Captain Scarlet or the colonel? Oh, please, Philly; tell me you haven’t pinched stuff from them?”
“I haven’t pinched it from nowhere,” Philly replied, offended by the suggestion. “All this stuff came from the old uniform store, behind the Laundry. When stuff can’t be cleaned, mended or patched, it gets shoved in there and eventually shipped off base. I suppose they burn it or something when it gets back to one of the land bases, but it isn’t needed any more, so I went and got what I needed. Some trousers and a polo-neck, some old gloves and socks for the hands and feet. Do you like him?”
“Well, I hope you’re going to give him a head,” Flaxen said.
Philly nodded. “And someone threw away a wig, so he’s going to have hair too!” She grinned. “I was always good at making a Guy Fawkes, even as a kid. I used to wheel it round and collect ‘pennies for the guy’ for the week or so before Bonfire Night.”
“What’re you going to do with this one?” asked Flaxen.
“Take it round Cloudbase and collect money – for charity.”
“Which charity?”
“I thought the Spectrum Benevolent Fund,” Philly explained. “Then people’ll give generously as it’s a good cause.”
“Well, it’s certainly a good cause,” her friend said.
“Look, here’s the head I made for him. Close your eyes while I put him together, Aud. Then you can tell me if you recognise him.”
“It’s meant to be someone? Is that a good idea, Philly?”
“Of course it is; you worry too much. Don’t look, Aud!”
Flaxen turned her back and waited while Philly wrestled with her effigy and fixed the head on.
“There; all done. Now, just let me stick the wig on.”
“What’ve you made the head of?” Flaxen asked.
“Papier-mâché over a balloon. And I printed off a face for him and stuck it on. I even made a sticking out nose. He’s my best ever!”
“Sounds like you’ve really gone to town on him, Philly.”
“There! You can look now.”
Flaxen turned around and her mouth fell open in surprise. “Philly!”
“Can you tell who it is?”
“I most certainly can. Do you have permission to do this, Philly?”
“Why would I need permission?”
“The colonel might not like it.”
“What’s not to like?” Philly’s face fell at this potential disapproval. “I wanted it to be a surprise, Aud; I thought it’d be okay.”
Speechless for a moment, Flaxen looked at her friend’s woebegone expression and felt like a real killjoy.
“It is a surprise and a very good likeness; but…”
“But? What’s wrong with it? I thought Captain Black’d make a perfect Guy Fawkes! After all, he’s always trying to blow things up – and he would, if Spectrum didn’t stop him! When we catch him, I think there’ll be plenty of people who’d like to see him on a bonfire!”
Flaxen couldn’t argue, but her instinct was telling her that this was likely to go down like a lead balloon. “Sure, Philly, but… well, he was the colonel’s friend – and a member of the corps of elite colour captains before...”
“... before he turned traitor and became a Mysteron,” Philly finished the sentence for her.
“Yes, but he may not be doing it from choice,” Flaxen reasoned. “Guy Fawkes always intended to blow up the King and the Parliament. Black may’ve just been the wrong man in the wrong place. Nobody knows for sure, do they?”
“So, you don’t think I should do it then?”
“It is a nice idea and a kind thought, Philly, but I think you should use another face. How about the traditional one rather than Captain Black’s?”
“If I do that, will you help me get permission and take him round collecting?”
Flaxen sighed and nodded. “Yes, I will; if the colonel gives his permission.”
Philly brightened up and then looked regretfully at the effigy’s doleful face. “You know, Aud, now I look at him, he doesn’t look all that evil, just kinda sad.”
“Yes, it is kind of sad when you think about it.”
Philly took the head off carefully and laid it on her bedside table. She gave her friend a cheeky smile and confessed, “I did get a proper Guy Fawkes mask last time I was on leave - before I had my Captain Black idea - and I’m sure I can find a brown paper bag we can stuff with old newspapers and put that on instead. Give us a hand, Aud?”
“Sure, what do you need me to do?”
Colonel White looked at the young woman standing before him and at the effigy perched in the laundry basket beside her.
“Well, I don’t suppose it can do any harm,” he said. “Very well, you may have your permission, Miss Daniel.”
“Thank you, Colonel! Lieutenant Flaxen’s going to help me wheel him round the base and I’ll give all the money to the Chaplain for the Benevolent Fund.”
“Just don’t try to get money with menaces, Philly,” the colonel said, a wry smile on his face. “I remember in my youth some of the ‘Penny-for-the-Guy’ collectors would have made the Mafia tremble.”
“I wouldn’t dream of it, sir.” She turned to go. “Oh, Colonel?”
“Yes?”
“Penny for the Guy, sir?”
The End
Author’s Notes:
This is really all you need to know about Bonfire Night. It is probably all most Britons know after all.
Gunpowder Plot
There were a great many plots and Parliaments in James I's reign, and one of the Parliaments was called the Addled Parliament because the plots hatched in it were all such rotten ones. One plot, however, was by far the best plot in History, and the day and month of it (though not, of course, the year) are well known to be utterly and even maddeningly memorable.
The Gunpowder Plot arose in the following way: the King had recently invented a new table called Avoirduroi, which said:
1 New Presbyter = 1 old priest.
0 Bishop = 0 King.
James was always repeating, 'No Bishop, No King'" to himself, and one day a certain loyal citizen called Sir Guyfawkes, a very active and conscientious man, overheard him, and thought it was the slogan of James's new policy. So he decided to carry it out at once and made a very loyal plan to blow up the King and the bishops and everybody else in Parliament assembled, with gun-powder*. Although the plan failed, attempts are made every year on St Guyfawkes' Day to remind the Parliament that it would have been a Good Thing.
*Recently invented by Francis Bacon, author of Shakespeare, etc.
(1066 and All That: A Memorable History of England, Comprising All the Parts You Can Remember, Including 103 Good Things, 5 Bad Kings and 2 Genuine Dates. by W.C. Sellar and R.J. Yeatman. Methuen & Co. Ltd. 1930.)
Many years ago, I saw an article in the Financial Times (I’m a Librarian so I get to read some very odd things in the course of earning my living) with a headline that said: ‘Guy Fawkes, the only man to enter Parliament with Good Intentions’. I don’t know if the FT were the first to say it, but it was where I first came across it. And, IMHO, it is probably the most accurate thing that can be said about politics (and politicians) in general.
Marion Woods
Written in 2014, revised October 2022