A short New Captain Scarlet
story for Hallowe’en by Talia Gray
Dead... again.
Alone... for now. Free again... What am I saying?
Free? How can I even suggest that? I can never be free from them and
they
know it. I have this short time to
myself, much good it does me. I
can’t DO anything... apart from remember what I have done, have seen MYSELF
do... But it’s not me. It’s not me! IT’S NOT ME!
It’s... not...
I’m laughing!
I’m actually fucking laughing! I’m...
Oh, dear God, I don’t know how much more I can
take; the loneliness, the knowledge, the guilt...
I can’t DO anything. Someone, please, help me!
Who is there to know? People see what they expect
to see – yes, even you, Paul –
and that’s not me. It’s not
ME! It’s him, but not ME!
What am I?
Who
am I?
I’m even beginning to doubt myself now.
I thought I knew, thought I could hold onto ME at
first, but... what if it is
actually me after all? Have they
drawn on a part of my psyche that was so deeply hidden within that I didn’t
recognise it myself? Is that
what this travesty is? My Nemesis. People say that we all have an inner
demon. Have they unleashed mine? Is that who everyone sees now? They see him, not me. But I see through his eyes, an
observer. Powerless. The things he does in my guise!
What if it IS really me, after all?
Set free from my inhibitions, all moral restrictions, my dark self free to
express itself. Sociopath. Sadist.
Is it possible? Maybe I
deserve this fate – just retribution for my actions on Mars, for the darkness
that lies at the heart of me.
Stripped of all human values, what would be left?
If that is true, then what hope is there for any of us?
Perhaps the Mysterons are right after all – we are a violent species.
Better to wipe it out altogether.
What am I saying!
No... NO... I cannot let myself believe
that.
If I do, what hope is there?
I have been trapped by him for too long.
I MUST hold on to who I am, to who we are. I’m NOT him – he’s NOT part of me. Fight, Conrad, fight!
I have this time at least... before he
returns. I must use it to remember, to cement my belief in myself. I’m still here. I can think, can reflect, can... hope? There are times when their control slips. Paul, you have seen it, you KNOW I’m
still here. At least, you used to. For pity’s sake, don’t give up on me...
if you can bring yourself to have any pity for me, after all that I have done.
I’m free for a short time, while the
retrometabolism is working. They don’t bother with me then; he
is not here. They know how
powerless I am. Maybe they don’t
even know that I still exist, that I’m trying to resist.
They misjudged your resistance, Paul.
A mistake, and it cost them dear.
If only you knew the depth of their anger at your defiance, at their...
failure! You hurt them badly, dear
friend. If only I could do the
same. I feel the consequences of
their cold rage, their malice and determination.
They won’t make the same mistake again, Paul; they hold me too tightly.
You give me hope, though. There must be a way, a chink in
their armour, somehow. You did it! I have to believe that or I fear I’ll go
mad. If I give in, then I admit
defeat to them. They win. I can’t let them, Paul, I can’t... Maybe there’s a way I can fight them,
during this time, when they’re unaware of me.
But... what if I succeed?
If I break free, what then? What
life would I have? You were so lucky, Paul. Your freedom came so soon, before you...
Ah, you have been spared the deaths, the torture, the... ‘pleasure’ that my
nemesis has taken at their insistence.
How could I live with that? It
wasn’t me but, deep down, just how sure can I be?
How could any of you even bring yourselves to look me in the eye, let alone ever
trust me again. I have become their
creature; THAT is all people see now.
Beyond redemption. Damned by my...
by his actions. Paul, could you ever forgive me for what happened to Susan
Todd? Driven mad by what they did to her. Driven to her death with you powerless
to prevent it. How he relished the pain it caused you. But not me, Paul,
not me! If only I could have...
And Destiny... Oh, Destiny. Better that you maintain your hatred for
me. It’s easier that way - easier for you,
anyway. Try to remember me as I
was, not this monster that they have created.
I shall cultivate my hatred for them, my
determination. I MUST! I
have little enough else left now.
If they don’t know, then maybe I can make a difference after all. Maybe I can fight!
But then...
What if this is another of their games?
What if they are watching me right now, amused by my futile attempts to reassert
myself, safe in the knowledge that there’s nothing I can do? Can you hear me? ANSWER ME, YOU BASTARDS!
I’ve tried to beg forgiveness, God
knows I have! What else do you want from me? What do you fucking WANT from me? Why don’t you just end this now? Why do you keep me here? You have him. Or... do you need me so that he
can exist? Is that it? Does it amuse you to watch me? ANSWER
ME!
As if they would. I fool myself. My voice has no substance; my thoughts cannot scream out
loud. I am nothing to them. A diversion, perhaps, but little else. An interesting artefact, a by-product of
their control? The remnants of a
human mind.
It won’t be long now. I can feel my body’s
strength returning. Those tendrils of his essence are
beginning to pervade my mind... or what’s left of it, anyway. If only I had more time, Paul, but it is
a luxury I no longer have. My
‘freedom’ seems to become more fleeting each time.
Am I fading away as he grows stronger?
I’m scared, Paul.
I never thought I’d admit that to anyone, but I’m scared.
I don’t want to die... finally. Not
like this. But, do I want to live? Could I live with what they have made
me? I can hear
you now, Paul – you’ve always said that I’m too much of a pessimist, but I don’t
know how much longer I can take this.
If you could just look into my eyes next time we
meet, look beyond him and find me looking out at you...
Give me some indication that you know... some hope to cling on to.
He’s coming!
Smothering me, draining me, I can’t...
‘Captain Black. You are our instrument of
destruction...’
Okay, Scarlet. Showtime.
Notes and Acknowledgements
When
New Captain Scarlet managed to break free of the Mysterons’ control, he told the
colonel that being controlled by the Mysterons was ‘as though I didn’t exist
anymore’; Black, as we know, remains under their control.
In the episodes ‘Best of Enemies’ and ‘Dominion’ we are given a glimpse
of what remains of Conrad Lefkon’s
human part, powerless to intervene in the actions of his mysteronised self – his ‘Nemesis’ – but remembering
everything. I have often wondered
what emotional anguish this must cause him – to be filled with guilt and
self-loathing at what he has been forced to become, reviled by those he once
held dear and unable to do anything about it; a truly horrific fate! It may well be that a similar fate
is suffered by the original Black – we don’t really know what happened to him on
Mars; maybe Conrad Turner is still in there somewhere, suffering similar mental
tortures.
I
suppose, in a way, that this is for them – I think they deserve a break. Many
thanks to Chris and Marion for their invaluable beta-reading and helpful
observations. If any mistakes
remain, they are down to me. As
always, my enduring thanks to Gerry and Sylvia Anderson for creating these
wonderful characters, with whom I continue to spend countless delightful hours.
OTHER STORIES BY TALIA GRAY
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