Author’s notes:
I once did a stint on a cruise ship. This is based on ‘The Talk’ we got from the very embarrassed captain who would have preferred being on the bridge far rather than having this chat with us. Thankfully Doctor Fawn isn’t nearly as easy to embarrass.
Rhapsody looked up from her book as the door to the Amber room slid open to admit three of the captains, all red faced and puffed up like balloons as they stumbled in.
The men waited with baited breath as the door closed, and as soon as it shut, they all broke out in peals of laughter, chortling with mirth to the point Ochre had tears streaming down his face. Magenta was doubled over and the normally taciturn Grey slid down a wall, hooting with laughter.
Mystified, Rhapsody looked to Melody and Harmony, waiting in their alcoves, who looked back at her, just as bewildered. When the laughter showed no sign of abating after a good few minutes, she stood with hands on hips and announced with some irritation: “If you’re quite finished with the hyena impression...”
“Rhapsody, you had to have been there!” Ochre laughed, wiping his eyes as he composed himself. “We were at the induction briefing for the new staff!”
“It was hilarious!” That was Grey, standing and brushing himself off, but still grinning broadly.
The three women shared another mystified look between themselves. “Those aren’t usually hilarious,” Melody rebutted, thinking of the long session in the theatre when she and the other Angels had finally joined Cloudbase as operational staff.
“Oh, no, the first part wasn’t, the bit the Old Man does,” Ochre agreed, grinning broadly. “But after that was the interpersonal relations talk, and Fawn took that. Remember when Black did that bit? It... ” He broke out into a fresh peal of laughter, “... It wasn’t like that! Who knew the doc had that sense of humour!”
“Are you done now?” Melody asked archly, one brow raised.
“Pat.” Ochre grinned from ear to ear. “You do the best impressions, you show them.”
“Gimme a sec.” Magenta took a moment to compose himself and stood. He cleared his throat, crooked his left arm as if he were holding a clipboard, and managed a fairly good mimicry of Fawn’s ‘lecturing’ voice as he began: “Welcome everyone, I am Doctor Fawn, CMO of Cloudbase. We’ll all have a chance to talk one on one later, when you come in for your medicals, but right now, I have been asked to give you the ‘interpersonal relations briefing.’
“As you no doubt are aware, this is a military base. However, the colonel has reluctantly conceded that while it is indeed a military base, unfortunately, it is not a monastery and when you put a group of humans together, well, humans will be humans.”
Harmony blushed. “He actually said that? Oh my.”
“Just wait, it gets better.” Brad grinned at her.
“So with that in mind,” Magenta continued, clearly fighting down another burst of laughter, “I want to make you aware there is a full range of contraceptives and prophylactics available at Sickbay, no questions asked.
“If you decide to invite someone to engage in interpersonal relations, I want to make some things clear. Number one: enthusiastic consent, which can be withdrawn at any point by either partner. No means no, anything not a clear and enthusiastic yes is also a no. If you cannot accept and respect a no, you will be vacating Cloudbase and Spectrum as a whole by the most convenient route.”
“Two: since this is your workplace, it is a very strong preference for people to keep all interpersonal liaisons groundside. If you absolutely, positively cannot keep your pants on until you get groundside, take it to your quarters. On that topic,” Magenta paused and pretended to flourish an imaginary note plucked from his pocket, “Security have asked me to make you all aware that yes, there are cameras in that rarely used storeroom, and in that dead end hall, and most definitely in that dark corner. Be advised that they do have to send someone to go bang on the door or make loud noises until you come out.”
Rhapsody was only partially successful in smothering her laugh at that.
“Three: keep it within your peers. Subordinates and superiors are off limits, and no crossing code name and non code name. This is for the security and safety of everyone.”
“Four: we are all adults here, and we have a rather important ‘the world will end if we mess up’ level of responsibility here. If you can’t remain professional, it has to end.”
“Aside from that, as long as the circumstances do not require the colonel having to be advised, whatever consenting adults do in the privacy of their quarters, without disturbing others or interfering with the security and operation of a military facility, is up to them. Be sensible, be responsible, be safe. That is all.” Magenta made a flourishing bow to his audience’s applause, grinning broadly.
Melody had her hands pressed to her flaming cheeks. “Oh, goodness. I think that line about the colonel being told is the biggest libido killer ever.”
“It reminds me of a billboard I saw outside a fire station.” Ochre chuckled. “ ‘Don’t do anything you don’t want to explain to the medics’.”