Inspired by the epic battle on Facebook amongst my friends on virtues of different varieties of hot cross buns and the tales of a friend of mine, his time in the NZ Army and the carefully orchestrated kidnapping of a rival battalion’s mascot teddy bear.
“How are things out there, Edward?” Colonel White asked as he poured the tea. The CIC and the CMO had a standing appointment for tea in the Officers’ Lounge on a Wednesday afternoon to catch up on things outside of official briefings and meetings. Medical being one of the hubs of Cloudbase, Fawn and his cadre of staff were aware of things that didn’t always show up on White’s radar, and the CMO had a fairly good idea of the overall morale of the base.
“Well…” Fawn accepted the cup and took a moment to savour the flavour of a good quality Earl Grey. “I’d say we’re one ill-timed comment away from open warfare in the commissary.”
“Again?” White frowned, mentally combing through the possible culprits. As far as he knew, the North Americans didn’t have any food related events in March and the ANZAC contingent had at last declared a truce and agreed to disagree over which country could lay claim to pavlovas. Speaking of the New Zealand staff, they and their allies had finally won the kiwi/kiwifruit debate by flooding the base intranet with annotated pictures of the nickname vs the bird vs the fruit, rallied support for their cause and finally presented a petition to the Quartermaster’s office to officially have the fruit referred to as ‘kiwifruit’ on all labels, forms, menus and allergy guides. They only had three people from the Pacific nation on board, but they made up for their lack of numbers with a surplus of tenacity. “What is it, this time?” White braced himself for the answer, seeing Fawn’s amusement dancing in his eyes.
“Hot cross buns,” Fawn informed him with aplomb.
“What could be so controversial about those?” The colonel shook his head. Was this a military base or a kindergarten? He questioned it some days.
“Well, this year the commissary decided to put out a chocolate version as well as traditional fruit and spice buns.” Fawn took a sip of his tea. “You wouldn’t believe the outcry. I’d say about a fifth of the base are incensed that chocolate buns could be considered in the same class as traditional buns, and another fifth think that the traditionalists are insane, chocolate buns are delicious. Everyone else is either just happy they have another sweet treat option, or ignoring both parties as making a fuss over nothing. A small number are egging both sides on and laughing. I’ve already had to declare Medical a neutral zone after my people started picking sides.”
“Surely not.” White was far too mature to roll his eyes at the inanity of it all, despite the temptation.
“It’s food and traditions, two things you don’t mess with lightly,” Fawn pointed out. “They were making posters and everything.”
“Dare I ask what side you’re on?” White asked dryly.
“Neither. I eat hot cross buns made with blueberries and chocolate. If I do eat a traditional bun I have it smothered in Vegemite. My staff say that means I don’t get a vote on the matter.” Fawn was evidently quite amused by their declaration to him.
“I’m half-tempted to order the commissary to pull all kinds of hot cross bun if they’re going to engage in this foolishness.” White frowned, glowering at his china tea cup.
“Don’t do that, Colonel,” Fawn advised, dropping the levity and injecting some seriousness into his tone. “Yes, it’s foolish but it’s harmless. They’re enjoying themselves and it’s letting them blow off steam. Besides, if you take it away, they’ll just find something else. Remember the ‘Mascot War’ last year?”
“Mm, that is true,” White mused as he took another sip of tea and mulled on the situation. The Mascot War had started when one of the nurses brought a teddy bear dressed as a nurse to Medical and put it in the nurse’s bay. Within the week ‘Nurse Bruin’ had a more authentic Cloudbase nurse uniform, ‘official’ ID and starred in several photos posted on the Cloudbase intranet. That spurred several imitations and by the end of the month, almost every department had their own mascot teddy with a homemade uniform.
It probably would have died down on its own, but then someone in Security decided to kidnap Engineering’s ‘Senior Technician Bearstein’ and posted a ransom notice on the intranet. Engineering of course did not stand for this, promptly mounted a daring rescue mission and took off with Security’s ‘Lieutenant Ursus’ at the same time. From that point on, no teddy was safe aside from Logistics and Services’ ‘Technician Berina’ – as per the warning on the notice she held, no one wanted to call the bluff of the people who could make your mail, washing and hot water vanish.
White half-smiled as he remembered some of the updates he’d seen of the unfolding fiasco. He knew that at the request of the medical team, Scarlet had personally seen to the rescue of ‘Nurse Bruin’ from Maintenance and after ‘Callisto Angel’ had to be retrieved twice by the Angels, they’d resorted to bringing her with them into Angel One. Command and Communications’ ‘Lieutenant Artos’ had several close calls, until the captains and Green put together a covert extraction to get him into protective custody off base – smuggling the teddy into Pastor Juniper’s luggage to live at his house until it was safe for him to return. A proof of life postcard and photo from Artos in disguise – wearing a fake moustache cut from black paper – still had pride of place on the mini fridge in the kitchenette tucked at the back of the control room.
He had observed the debacle with good grace, until people started taking more extreme security measures and an all hands notice had gone out with strong overtones of ‘Children, behave.’ It put an end to the Mascot Wars, but the teddies still lingered in their departments and featured in the odd photo on the intranet as a morale booster.
“Very well, Doctor,” White finally acquiesced. “I’ll leave it be. But with one modification.”
“Oh? What’s that?” Fawn asked curiously.
“I’ll request the commissary staff add the blueberry and chocolate variety to the menu. I’m rather intrigued,” the colonel explained as he poured a fresh cup of tea for himself, the faintest hint of a smile lurking on his face.
Fawn laughed. “You know that that’s just going to stir the pot!” he teasingly accused. “Colonel, I didn’t know you had it in you.”
“In for a penny, in for a pound, as my mother would say.” Colonel White smiled slightly as he poured more tea into Edward’s proffered cup. “If they’re going to fight about something, no matter what I do, I might as well make it entertaining.”