SPOOF FROM ‘THE PRINCEY FOUNDATION’

 

 

Gerry Anderson's classic television series Captain Scarlet remains a big favourite with children and adults alike.  The weekly battles between Spectrum and the Martian villains the Mysterons made for cult viewing.

However, some critics, in that peculiarly killjoy manner they seem to enjoy, pointed out that every week the Mysterons made a huge tactical error by announcing beforehand in a deep, deadpan disembodied voice (imagine Barry White on medication and you've some idea what it sounded like) exactly what act of terror they intended to accomplish.  This gave Spectrum Leader Colonel White the opportunity to send a number of Spectrum Captains (who were all named after colours) and one or more of the Angels (a team of five attractive female fighter pilots) to the danger zone in plenty of time to thwart the Mysterons' plan.

Gerry Anderson, who had previously brought us the classic series Thunderbirds, Stingray and Fireball XL5, responded by writing what he called a far more realistic and adult episode of Captain Scarlet, which it was hoped would take the series in an entirely different direction.  Sadly, the script never got beyond the development stage and the episode was never made.  However, The Princey Foundation recently managed to locate the only surviving copy of the lost episode's screenplay…

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CAPTAIN SCARLET - EPISODE 33

 

"CHANGE OF PLAN" BY GERRY ANDERSON

 

Cautionary Voiceover:  Remember, Captain Scarlet is indestructible, and so are you.  You can do everything he does and not get hurt, such as leaping off tall buildings, jumping from moving vehicles and sticking your fingers into electrical appliances.

 

Music: Bom Bom Bom Bombombom Bom.

 

 

Scene One: Cloudbase Interior.  Colonel White is sitting at his desk, with the Spectrum agents and Angels sitting around him.

 

Colonel White:

I agree that it's risky, Captain, but I believe it's the only possible course of action.

 

Captain Scarlet:

Very well, Colonel.

 

Colonel White:

I call.

 

Captain Scarlet:

Read them and weep.  I've got a Straight Flush.

 

Colonel White:

Damn you, Scarlet.

 

Captain Magenta:

You should know by now, Colonel, Scarlet never bluffs.

 

Colonel White:

Belt up, Magenta, or you'll be spending the rest of your Spectrum career as Private Pink.

 

Captain Ochre:

At least pink's better than ochre.

 

Destiny Angel:

Oh bloody hell, here we go again...

 

Captain Ochre:

Look, all I'm saying is it would be nice to be a colour than people recognise.  What the hell's ochre anyway?

 

Captain Blue:

It's a type of yellowy brown, isn't it?

 

Captain Ochre: 

Brown? Captain Brown? That's like being Captain Shi...

 

Colonel White:

That's enough of that, Ochre.  It's your deal.

 

Captain Ochre: 

S.I.G. Colonel.

 

Melody Angel:

What exactly does that mean anyway?

 

Colonel White:

S.I.G.? It means "Spectrum Is Go".

 

Captain Blue:

No, it doesn't.  It means "Spectrum Is Green".  

 

Colonel White:

That's ridiculous.  Spectrum isn't green, it's multi-coloured.  That's why we're called Spectrum, you idiot.  How could we distinguish between our agents if they were all called Captain Green?

 

Lieutenant Green:

Well, Sir, we could call them Captain Light Green, Captain Dark Green, Captain Minty Green...

 

Colonel White:

Oh, shut up.  I'm in charge and what I say goes.  S.I.G. means "Spectrum Is Go".

 

Doctor Fawn:

Actually, I heard that it means "Scarlet Is Gay".

 

Captain Scarlet:

You are about to discover, Doctor, that in your case it means "Scalpel Intersects Genitals".  (He produces a small blade from his belt and begins to chase Doctor Fawn around the room).   

 

Colonel White:

Oh, for crying out loud, sit down, the pair of you.  And Scarlet, where did you get that knife?

 

Captain Scarlet:

I bought it from Captain Blonde.

 

Harmony Angel:

Whatever happened to Captain Blonde?

 

Colonel White:

We threw him out after the time he cut off that Mysteron agent's ear.  Talking of which, isn't it about time the Mysterons were making their customary weekly threat?

 

Captain Scarlet:

Quite right, Colonel.  I think I sense it approaching now.

 

Mysteron Voice:

This is the voice of the Mysterons.  We know that you can hear us Earthlings.  We will continue our war of vengeance against your planet.  But this week, just for a change, we're not going to tell you what we're going to do.  What d'ya think of that? Bit of a blow for ya, eh? Maybe we're going to blow something up.  Maybe we're going to kill someone.  We can do anything we like, and you're not going to stop us this week mateys, no siree bob.  Captain Scarlet might be indestructible but he's not [EXPLETIVE DELETED] omnipresent you know.  And Captain Blue's a stupid [EXPLETIVE DELETED] who couldn't even get a decent [EXPLETIVE DELETED] in the Angels' changing room.  Nar Nar Nanaar Nar.

 

Colonel White:

Well, ladies and gentlemen.  It looks like this week we're buggered.  Whose deal?  

 

They play poker for twenty minutes, after which time a Mysteron explosive device destroys the World Government Building.

 

Colonel White:

We better come up with a contingency plan for next week, in case the Mysterons try the same trick again.

 

Captain Magenta:

How about, instead of regular poker, we play strip poker?

 

Captain Blue:

Yes, with the Angels.

 

Colonel White:

Good idea. Make the arrangements, will you, Captain Magenta?

 

Captain Magenta:

S.I.G. Colonel.

 

Colonel White:

Don't start that again.

 

Foundation researchers are now attempting to find the missing episode of Thunderbirds, in which John Tracy is driven mad by the loneliness of life on board Thunderbird Five, and threatens to destroy Tracy Island unless Thunderbird Three brings him Lady Penelope, some handcuffs and a big tub of raspberry yoghurt.

 

 

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