A ‘Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons’ short
story
By Keryn
The more things
change, the more they stay the same. -
Alphonse Karr (1808-1890)
Maybe it was sunspots, or maybe it was
excessive static interference from Earth’s overabundance of
satellites…or maybe it was after a Mysteron retrometabolic checkup and there was
a glitch somewhere. In any case,
the end result was clear - the Mysterons had a problem…
7:20am
‘CLICK!’
(STATIC)
“Thank you for using the World Telephone and Data Communications
System.
Please select from the following options: Press ‘Button 1’ for ‘Videophone’ or press ‘Button 2’
for ‘Voice
Only’.
Thank
you. You have selected
‘Voice Only’.
Your call is
being connected.”
(CONNECTING) (STATIC)
THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS…
“This is Spectrum Headquarters, Cloudbase.
If you want Command and Control press
‘Button 1’, if you want General Enquiries press ‘Button 2’, if you want Medical Services press ‘Button 3’, if you
want Maintenance and Engineering press ‘Button 4’,
if you want…”
‘BUTTON 1’
(DIAL TONE)
“Thank you for calling Command and Control…. If you want Colonel White press ‘Button 1’, if you
want Lieutenant Green press ‘Button
2’, if you want the Officers’ Lounge
press ‘Button 3’, if you want the Amber Room press ‘Button 4’…”
‘BUTTON 1’
(DIAL TONE) (OPEN LINE)
THIS
IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS. WE…
“I’m sorry, Colonel White is unavailable at this time. You are being re-routed
to our General Enquiries department.
(LONG PAUSE) All our operators are busy at the
moment. You will be connected as soon as a member of our staff is available.”
* * * * *
7:30am
‘CLICK!’
(STATIC)
THIS
IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS…
(MUZAK)
“Please note: this call may be recorded for training purposes.
We thank you for your patience...”
…WE
KNOW…
“Your
message has been placed in a queue.
I’m sorry, all our oper…”
…THAT YOU CAN…
“A
Spectrum staff member will be with you shortly.
Your call is important to us…”
(CALL DISCONNECTED)
&*$%$!!! ‘CLICK!’ (STATIC)
THIS
IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS…
????? (DIAL TONE) (RECORDING)
“At
the third stroke the time will be 7:35 and fifty seconds… Beep. Beep. Beep.
At the third stroke the time will be 7:36 precisely… Beep. Beep. Beep.
At the third stroke…”
OOPS! ‘CLICK!’
(STATIC)
THIS
IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS. WE KNOW THAT YOU CAN HEAR US EARTHMEN…
“Due to
the high demand for services at this time, your message has been placed in a
queue…” (MESSAGE REPEATS)
* * * * *
7:42am
‘CLICK!’
(STATIC)
THIS
IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS…
“Hello. This is Lieutenant Green.
I can’t come to the phone right now.
Please leave a message after the tone.”
…WE
KNOW THAT YOU CAN HEAR US EARTHMEN…
(PAUSE) “Please try
again after the tone…” (CALL
DISCONNECTED)
* * * * *
7:50am
!!#*$#?/&*$#**!!! ‘CLICK!’ (STATIC)
THIS
IS THE…
“Spectrum is currently trialing a voice-activated system.
Please speak clearly…”
…VOICE
OF…
“…. I’m
sorry there is no department named ‘VOICEOFF’.
Please try again.”
…THE
MYSTERONS…
“There are no ‘MYSTERONS’ currently on Cloudbase.
Please hold the line. An operator
will be with you shortly. (LONG PAUSE) All our staff are busy at the moment. We
thank you for your patience.”
…WE
KNOW THAT…
“Due to
an unprecedented demand on our network, we are unable to process your message at
this time. Please stand by as we redirect your call
to the main Spectrum Call Centre in Unity City.”
(CONNECTING)
“This
is the Spectrum Call Centre at Unity City.
All our lines are busy at the moment.
Please call back later.”
* * * * *
8:10am
‘CLICK!’
(STATIC)
THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS. WE KNOW THAT YOU CAN HEAR US EARTHMEN. FOR YOUR UNPROVOKED ATTACK ON OUR MARTIAN COMPLEX WE WILL…
“You have reached Spectrum Headquarters, Cloudbase.
Would you like to take part in our Telephone Customer Service Survey? For ‘YES’ press
‘Button 1’…”
* * * * *
8:20am
At the Mysteron Complex:
“OUR
PLANS TO DISRUPT THE TELECOMMUNICATIONS SYSTEM ON EARTH HAS FAILED.
THE EARTHMEN SEEM TO HAVE MANAGED IT FOR THEMSELVES. WE WILL HAVE TO WAGE AN ALTERNATIVE
CAMPAIGN OF TERROR.”
T
H E E N D
Author’s Note:
For anyone who might have
wondered if the Mysterons were behind this popular (sic) means of
communication…the short answer is: No. They couldn’t get through either: the
message being don’t ring now! This
story is for L. who doggedly remained on the line and was finally connected to a
human.
OTHER STORIES BY KERYN
BACK TO “FAN
FICTION ARCHIVES” PAGE
Any comments? Send an E-MAIL to the SPECTRUM HEADQUARTERS site